I’m not going to tell you which movie I went to see today – because I’m ashamed and because my friend that I went with and I swore that after today we would never speak of this movie again. So here’s my vague review with information withheld to protect myself:
- This is the worst movie I have ever seen. And I’m including the MST3K movies I’ve seen in that count. Most of those were either low budget or just didn’t know any better, but this? This should never have gotten made – or, at the very least, released as is. I mean, when they were in the editing room, was the director thinking ‘This movie is awesome – people are going to love it!’? And I find it difficult to believe that none of the suits at the movie studio saw it and said ‘Um, this is just a joke, right? Where’s the real movie?’ Seriously, why do movie studios keep giving this man millions and millions of dollars to make these horrific movies?!
- The lead actors have the chemistry (and appeal…and talent, frankly) of a sock. I saw the lead actor on Conan promoting the movie and all I could think was ‘This man is a sock.’ He has no charisma, no talent, and, as far as I can tell, no appeal. Same goes for the lead actress. I think her acting style is basically just to pout and maybe blink every now and then.
- I didn’t care about any of the characters. Okay, that’s not completely true, there were two characters (one old and one not) that I, well, not cared about, but wasn’t horrified to see on the screen. But everybody else, I could not have cared less what happened to them. Not that there was ever a real sense of danger – no one was going to die in this movie any time soon.
- The plot made no sense. And that is taking into account the fact that this was just a mindless, summer, action movie. Half the time I wasn’t sure where the characters were and when there would be a big fight or chase scene, I couldn’t really tell what was going on or who I was supposed to be rooting for. If I’d cared about the outcome of the fight or chase scene, that is.
When it was over, both of us turned to each other and said that if we’d been alone, we would have left after the first 15 minutes. Which says a lot – I mean, usually I figure ‘I’ve already paid for it, how much worse can it get?’ The answer this time was ‘A lot.’ I saw her keep checking her watch during the movie and it took all my self-restraint not to ask how much longer we had every time.
I blame my moment of weakness in suggesting we see this movie on the lack of summer blockbusters. Until today, I had not met my summer movie explosion quota. I certainly have now, but it came at the cost of 2 and a half hours of my life I’ll never get back. My only comfort is that, expecting it to be bad (though fun-bad, not nightmarishly bad), I bought a ticket to a different film (Harry Potter, a film I probably won’t see [I’m so over Dan Radcliffe – he’s such a tool!] but have nothing against) so that the director of this abomination wouldn’t get my money.
Summer blockbuster tally: 2-0-10 (Yes, this movie is so bad, I’m counting it as 10 bad movies)