I think I’m in love…

Okay, here’s a quiz for you about how well you know me – who here can name the Big Three on my Literary List of Hatred? Don’t worry, it’s not going to be a very hard quiz because I’m about to tell you the answers:

  1. Dan Brown – Ruined an interesting premise with COMPLETELY CRAP WRITING. And still laughed his way to the bank. Bastard.
  2. James Patterson – Cannot even be bothered to write his own books anymore and yet still felt it necessary to jump on the YA fiction bandwagon and take up valuable shelf space from honest-to-goodness *cough*me*cough* YA writers. Bastards (him and his committee).
  3. Nicholas Sparks – Writes the same melodramatic romances (YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? WELL, YOU WILL IF YOU FOLLOW THIS LINK! FOLLOW IT! But be careful, you will have to fight an overwhelming urge to actually punch your computer screen) over and over and COMPARES HIMSELF TO HEMINGWAY. I DON’T EVEN LIKE HEMINGWAY AND I’M STILL HORRIFIED AND OFFENDED ON HIS BEHALF.

But, Anne, I hear you say, Anne, surely this is a post filled with hatred and bile! Why did you title it ‘I think I’m in love…’ Because Roger Ebert agrees with me and is not afraid to say so! From his review of The Last Song:

“The Last Song” is based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks, who also wrote the screenplay. Sparks recently went on record as saying he is a greater novelist than Cormac McCarthy. This is true in the same sense that I am a better novelist than William Shakespeare. Sparks also said his novels are like Greek Tragedies. This may actually be true. I can’t check it out because, tragically, no really bad Greek tragedies have survived. His story here amounts to soft porn for teenage girls, which the acting and the abilities of director Julie Anne Robinson have promoted over its pay scale.

[…]

To be sure, I resent the sacrilege Nicholas Sparks commits by mentioning himself in the same sentence as Cormac McCarthy. I would not even allow him to say “Hello, bookstore? This is Nicholas Sparks. Could you send over the new Cormac McCarthy novel?” He should show respect by ordering anonymously. But it seems unfair to penalize Miley Cyrus fans, Miley herself, and the next Peter O’Toole for the transgressions of a lesser artist.

Oh, Roger, you’re the best. Oh, and so is Linda Holmes over at Monkey See on NPR (she of the fabulous Twilight read-along posts which have inspired me to wonder about but not yet come up with an intelligent post about pop culture and our formative years) for posting more delicious Spark SnarkTM.

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4 thoughts on “I think I’m in love…

  1. Thank you, Anne, for sharing this! Thank you, Roger Ebert, for the good laugh. Sparks’ arrogance is especially shocking given his amazing lack of talent. And yes, Dan Brown is a case of the Emperor’s New Clothes. And finally, I never, ever recommend James Patterson to any young people at my library. Oh, not finally — what is the wonderful Greg Kinnear doing in this movie?

    • Probably whatever Jeremy Irons and Frances McDormand are doing in the third Transformers movie (i.e., looking a little embarrassed, but still collecting their paychecks…). 😉

      I’m ashamed to say that I do actually have a copy of the first Maximum Ride book, but I bought it used, so James Patterson didn’t get a cent of my money! So there, Patterson! (Also the only way I’d ever read a Cassandra Clare book…)

  2. Oh, I laughed so hard at this post! And seriously, why have there been so many Nicholas Sparks movies lately? Every time I turn around there’s another goddamned weepy soft-focus trailer – they all look the same! To quote Oscar from The Office, Nicholas Sparks is “so much more offensive to me than hardcore pornography.” (He wasn’t actually referring to Nicholas Sparks, of course, but I often use that line to describe things I loathe.)

    • He may not have been actually referring to Nicholas Sparks, but it’s still totally true! It does seem like there have been a lot lately – it must be all the up-and-coming Disney starlets getting their own tragic love stories. Hopefully this Hollywood phase will pass soon!

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